Hendersonhome.net moved to new host? Check.
Deb’s blog set up? Check.
New blog software installed for Tom? Check.
New welcome page uploaded? Check.
Great! New writing commences in 3…2…1…
*Crickets chirping in the background*
The creative streak I was enjoying just hasn’t been coming lately. And it’s not that I want to write, as much as I want to want to write The drive that was in me months before has quietly excused itself, and I’ve really been noticing it lately, like when you realize that a friend has left a party early without saying goodbye.
Why?
Two possibilities come to mind, and I believe that they are related:
The suffering has changed. I’m not saying that things are fantastic, mind you. There are still days where the major accomplishments are that I’m breathing and vertical. I miss my son more than I miss my marbles, and each morning is a stark reminder that he’s not with me.
It’s that the suffering has changed. The adrenaline isn’t pumping, the searching for God’s will and mercy has ceased. We’ve gone from a battle to what feels like a desert wandering.
My input has changed. I’ll be honest: I’m spending my free time differently than I used to. My craving for entertainment tends to get the better of me lately. I used to look forward to spending time in scripture, but lately it’s more effort than enjoyment. My prayer time has suffered as well.
I believe that the two are tied together. When Ian was in the midst of his suffering (and, as his parent, I was suffering as well), I was much more dependent on my Lord. I sought Him out, and cherished my time with Him as a source of comfort and healing. Now, it feels more like a passive-aggressive relationship, at least on my part. Are there unresolved anger issues? Quite possibly. However, what hasn’t changed..
God is good. I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. (Ps. 27:13) His goodness is not my goodness (thank Goodness).
God’s grace will not fail. In my humanness, I keep wanting to measure and box God’s grace so that I have an understanding of it. Every so often I find myself asking my Lord, “I’ve ignored you for so long…do you mean to tell me that you still long for me?” The answer is a resounding “yes!”. He understands me better than I can imagine. He knows my condition, both as a human as well as a person who is in grief, and is patient with me.
He is not finished with me. This is where my emotions tend to betray me, and the enemy seeks to rob my joy. Too often lately both Deb and I fight the feeling that we have been put on a shelf, and there isn’t anything else for us to do; life will be endured, nothing more. I am still breathing, therefore my time here is not yet complete.
To this end, I’m currently working through Focus of a Warrior. It’s my desire to have a defined direction in life, and got has supplied FOAW as the means.
At any rate, now that the new blog software is in place, and as the healing continues, I want to write more. It’s not a hopeless cause, though. I’m in the middle of The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning; the main thrust seems to be “God has more grace for me than I can imagine, and it has nothing to do with me…Thank God.” Also, Deb and I are going to go see Rob Bell’s presentation Drops Like Stars in August.
Between the two of those, there’s got to be a post somewhere…
#1 by Pablo on June 15th, 2009
You forgot to make the “GZZZZTTT!” sound when the blog went up. However, you get style points for the crickets. I like that.
I understand about the breathing and vertical and I’m sure Jennifer does. That can literally take all your energy.
I also understand about the entertainment. In a very short period of time, you went through a very concentrated and exhausting process of physical, mental, and spiritual trial. After that type of demanding experience, you need some time to catch up with yourself and for the tension to diffuse. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself some pacing, some time to consolidate everything that has happened in your mind and heart. Some of the best realizations and connections will happen when you are doing something totally unrelated. Hit “Pause”, stop for a moment, let everything gel, and talk with God for a moment. The indirect approach may help you find your way back to the direct over time.
Sorry…more unsolicited advice. I’ll stop now and just pray for you and Deb.
#2 by Steve and Lisa Cofield on June 20th, 2009
Your writing style can’t help but bring us a smile. Thanks for your honesty in your words. You are one of the best Dad’s we have ever witnessed in action! We will be praying for you on Father’s Day!
#3 by Steve and Lisa Cofield on June 20th, 2009
Your writing style can’t help but bring us a smile. Thanks for your honesty in your words. You are one of the best Dad’s we have ever witnessed in action! We will be praying for you on Father’s Day.
#4 by Necia on June 20th, 2009
Dear Ones,
I pray for you as we remember and celebrate Fathers. You still ARE a Father, that will never change, and you are worth celebrating! I’ll never forget your talk with Ian after his baptism when you were down talking to him at his level and committing to courage and kindness. Thank you for demonstrating healthy fatherhood.
God bless you as you move through this time of change. I pray for you as you create your new normal.
#5 by cindi on June 20th, 2009
didn’t know i was reading your blog did you?
i appreciate your honesty in your journey. i don’t for one minute believe God has put yall on a shelf. someone once said that as long as we are on this earth God has a plan for us. when we have done all he wanted from us, He takes us home. you are still here so he has a great plan still in progress for you and deb. unfortunately we have to wait on his timming to let us know what it is. (so much easier for me to write than to believe and follow isn’t it?!) chris and i will continue praying that He shows his plan soon. we will also be sure to remember you tomorrow.