Archive for May, 2008

Tension (Graces and Mercies)

If you’re reading the Caring Bridget site (link above), then you know that he had a brief moment of hope, then found out that our situation had not changed. Deb and I were praying that Ian would be healed now and that he wouldn’t have to go through the radiation treatments, but at this point it does seem to be God’s will that he does.

We keep praying the God’s will would be done, because we believe that it is good and perfect. We may not understand why he is doing this, but we trust Him. The truth is that we know part of God’s will, but we’re waiting on the other part. He’s given us the setup, or the question. Now we’re waiting on the follow through, the answer. It’s the time in between that’s a pressure cooker. There will be and answer, obviously; we are just waiting for it to come in God’s timing, not ours.

It’s our desire to race ahead, to escape the tension and pressure as quickly as possible. But during these times of waiting, of not knowing what God will do, is when His work in us is performed best. During these times, we are more apt to humble ourselves and seek Him. We are more likely to allow ourselves to be examined for sin and are more open to God’s correction. Only recently has this been encapsulated to me in a single saying: God’s will is best seen in hindsight. When we’re in the furnace, enduring hardship, we care about God’s will only so we can get out. When we look back on those times, we can more easily see what God did in our hearts and our lives. Rather than try to escape the tension, we need to pray that the Lord would receive glory, and that God’s will would be completed in us.

The obvious Biblical parallel is from John 11:1-44, when Jesus heals Lazarus. Mary and Martha had no problem believing that Jesus could heal Lazarus. Jesus had done that many times before, so that was less faith for that to occur. The Father had something bigger planned that none of them (save Jesus) had thought of, even though Jesus says in verse four “This sickness will not end in death.” Sometimes I feel like Thomas (how appropriate) from verse 16 in this situation: “Let us also go, that we may die with him.” Fatalistic, yet committed. I’m not abandoning you, Lord, but I don’t see how this can end in anything but tears. He wanted to escape the tension as well, but instead of seeing Lazarus healed, he wanted to give into what he saw as the inevitable.

Actually, when the I first heard that there was no change to Ian’s condition, I thought of the the passage in 2 Kings 4:8-36. Here, a woman who had been kind to the prophet Elisha was without a child. Because of her generosity to Elisha, the Lord granted her a boy. The boy grew, and one day he died suddenly. She called for Elisha to come to her. There was no question in her the God could heal the boy. Elisha also knew that God could heal the boy. When she reached him, she started beseeching Elisha to intervene on her behalf. Elisha’s servant tried to push her away, but Elisha said, “Leave her alone! She is in bitter distress, but the LORD has hidden it from me and has not told me why.” Elisha was in the pressure cooker as well, since he had no clue what God was up to in her situation.

When Elisha gets to the woman’s house, the first thing he does is pray alone, with boy’s body. That seems like the obvious first step. When that work, he tried what his predecessor, Elijah, did in a similar situation. He laid on the boy to transfer warmth, and to get closer to the situation. He didn’t pray from far away, he drew as close to the boy as he could. And the boy’s body grew warm, but there was still no life.

But it didn’t work. So, he did what I would do; he paced. That shows a definite concern for both the woman and boy. Elisha was there with them, not a disinterested bystander. Also, he knew that the name of the Lord was involved. Elisha knew how precious that is, and that he was responsible to not drag it through the mud. God, I did what I believe you wanted me to do, and it didn’t work. Now what? So, he tried laying on he boy again. After the second time, life was restored to the Shunammite woman’s son. Why didn’t God revive the boy immediately? Why didn’t God restore him the first time Elisha laid on him? I don’t know. God left them in the tension longer than our limited minds think that He should have, especially when I realize that God gave Elisha a double portion of Elijah’s power. If anything, we would expect that the boy would have been raised from the dead more quickly.

There could have been a spiritual battle going on, a fight more intense that anything we can imagine. The enemy wants to besmirch the name of the Lord, and could easily have done so by taking the child from the woman after God had granted him to her. The message would be that God is cruel, not good, or that God is weak, not powerful. The earlier text says that she was well-to-do, so she would have had some influence in her community. The enemy saw an opportunity to defame the Almighty, and probably fought tooth and nail for that chance. In the end, God’s true power and character was shown, and I’m sure that the woman’s city heard about how kind and mighty Elisha’s God was, and faith grew.

So, Deb and I remain in the tension. I understand that there is more going on here than the life of my son. In my humanness, I want the tension to go away. The future looks bleak, with little room for hope, at least from the doctors. And yet, if I am given the opportunity to escape, and take it, I would be interrupting what God has planned for His glory and my greater good. If a piece of pottery was able to leave the kiln, it would never become what the potter has planned for it. Please join us in prayer, that God would sustain us in the tension, that His perfect will would be done and that His name would be glorified.

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Unfolding, pt 2 (Temporal Echoes of the Eternal, Graces and Mercies)

A few more observations on the passage in Genesis 22:

verse 6 – Isaac had to carry the wood to (what could have been) his own sacrifice. There are so many obvious parallels between this passage and the crucifixion of Christ, such as Christ had to carry his own “wood” (the cross). My takeaway from this is that God doesn’t ask us anything that He hasn’t faced or was willing to do(through His incarnation as Christ). Times recently when I’ve told God that it isn’t fair for my son to have to suffer, I get the response, “I understand.” And I know that He does.

verses 7-8 – Isaac obviously knew the sacrifice ritual. It says that Abraham bound him and placed him on the altar, so Isaac knew what was coming. He was surely confused and scared, because he know what happens to things that are put on altars. Similarly, Jesus knew what was coming when He faced the cross. We’ve been fortunate that Ian hasn’t known what’s facing him, so his fear has been less, but that’s quickly changing the more times he goes to the hospital.

verses 12, 15 – “…from me your son, your only son.” I noticed that God didn’t include “Isaac, whom you love” in these verses. Abraham obviously still loved Isaac, but he also proved that he loves God more than Isaac. Because of that kind of devotion, God gave Isaac back to Abraham, and fulfilled His promise to Abraham to make him the father of a great nation.

Nothing groundbreaking, like I said. Just my observations.

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Not Unknown, Just Unfolding (Temporal Echoes of the Eternal, Graces and Mercies)

One of the easiest of the Hebrew names for God for me to remember is “Jehovah Jireh,” which translates into “The Lord Will Provide.” One of our closest friends pointed us to the passage in Genesis 22:1-19, where this name is used. I was meditating on this passage on Monday morning, and recorded the following thoughts. Nothing groundbreaking, but then again, this is not the place to come for groundbreaking. But I hope that you can see the parallels to our own situation.

God called Abraham to do this. He doesn’t initiate plans without knowing the outcome, the details or the reason. he doesn’t always reveal these right away (I would venture that he rarely reveals these), so that we may learn to trust him.

Verse 2 – “…Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love…” God knows Ian by name. Not only does God love Ian infinitely more than Deb or I ever could, He also knows how much we love Ian. God doesn’t consider this insignificant, since we are doing our best to model God’s love for His son, and God’s love for us. If anyone’s heart is breaking in this situation, it is our Lord’s.

Verse 3 – It must have been killing Abraham as he made those preparations. Satan was pummeling him with doubt and fear. Abraham probably cut a little bit more wood than he needed, or walked a little more slowly, just to see if God would change His mind. Every step of the process–saddling the donkey, getting the servants, getting Isaac, all the way to Moriah. In each stage, he hoped God would stop him and call it off. Thousands of times, Abraham must have thought something like, “See God? I’m trusting you. Lesson learned. Now let me take my son and go home.” I do that now, and I’m sure that I will keep doing it, wanting in my humanness for the nightmare to be over, instead of wanting God’s designs to be fulfilled.

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Access, Ctd. (Graces and Mercies, Temporal Echoes of the Eternal)

While reflecting more on yesterday’s posting about our access to God through Christ, the song “I Will Lift My Eyes” by Bebo Norman got stuck in my head and won’t leave. I consider it my personal anthem through this season.

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Access (Temporal Echoes of the Eternal, Graces and Mercies)

On Sunday our pastor at church continued his series on the Beatitudes.

Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God

- Matthew 5:9

The concept of being a peacemaker was modeled by God. Because of man’s rebellion, we were literally at war with God. The only way to atone for our sins was to present sacrifices of animals and grain at the temple where God resided. There were precise offerings to be made depending on offenses, as well as the economic status of the offender. God modeled the above verse, by making peace with us though the death and resurrection of Jesus.

I was reflecting on what it must have been like for Hebrews in the Old Testament. When a personal crisis like ours would occur, you would go to the temple and make an offering as prescribed by the Mosaic law. I can’t imagine the terror of first being scared about my situation, and then hoping that your sacrifice was enough to make me acceptable to God. I’m sure that I would bring along a little bit more, just in case. You would never know where you stood in the eyes of God.

I got a small glimpse at how blessed I am to not have to worry about whether or not I am acceptable to God. Through the final sacrifice of God’s Son, all doubt is taken away. Not only am I at peace with God, I can be confident that He considers me his son (little “s”), because through Christ I am adopted into his family:

He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will
– Ephesians 1:5

I don’t have to seek an audience or wait for an appointment. Because of Jesus, I know that I am His child, able to talk privately, intimately, openly and honestly. That last one is getting more and more important. Because of this relationship, I tell God that this situation is rotten, that I don’t think it’s fair. I can tell him, in my humanness, what I think of this world that’s under His authority where children get these kinds of diseases. I don’t have to worry that I’m going to get kicked out of his graces because He knows my need to work through this, and will patiently, lovingly accept me back into His presence.

Even more importantly, as His beloved, He hears me. Even before I started crying out to him to take care of this situation and to heal my son, God had started the process to support and care for me and my family. Through friends and family (and that line is becoming more and more blurry), we are being lifted up hour by hour. The messages of hope and encouragement keep pouring in through the CaringBridge site, through emails, calls and visits. He hears me and knows exactly what I need, what Deb needs and what Ian needs, and provides them in ways that surprise me.

Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him,
for he shields him all day long,
and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.

– Deuteronomy 32:12

The image I have in that is of a child getting a piggyback ride, or riding in one of those backpacks, and feeling safe enough to fall asleep.

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Today, Tomorrow (Temporal Echoes of the Eternal)

As one might expect, my prayer life has been improving lately. The past couple of days, I’ve been praying through passages in Isaiah, verse by verse. God is talking to Israel while they are captive, encouraging them to hope when all seems lost.

But now listen, O Jacob, my servant,
Israel, whom I have chosen.

This is what the Lord says –

he who made you,

who formed you in the womb
and who will help you:

Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant,


Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.

– Isaiah 44:1-2

I don’t know why, but God has chosen us to go through this season. He is a God of reason, a God of purpose and intricacy. He’s like the best jazz musician you can imagine (one teacher mentioned Thelonious Monk), taking what seems like chaos, and weaving it into a harmonious pattern that makes sense only in hindsight.

I also found myself this morning asking God to provide grace and mercy for today, and hope for tomorrow. The Lord’s mercies are new every morning. If I stop and look at matters through an eternal perspective, even on what could be one of the worst days of our lives, the Lord’s mercies and grace were present. We live in a country where an MRI was a short drive away. We have health insurance. We have doctors who caught this when they did, and were able to arrange for the test and appoints on very quick order. One of my best friends, who lives in North Carolina, happened to be in Minneapolis on a business trip. The outpouring of love and support from friends was immediate. I’m sure that there are more, some we won’t know until later.

Much of the pain and terror I’ve been feeling has been from mourning the future, my future. God is leading me to let go of my vision of the future, and put my hope in His future for our family. In my humanness, I want to know God’s plan for my family, but that’s not trusting. As long as I cling to my plan, I lock God out of working in my heart to shape me into what He wants me to be to lead my family and for His purposes. When I start seeing his daily grace and mercy with gratitude, and leaving the outcome to God, this season becomes easier to bear.

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Thank You (Ian, Temporal Echoes of the Eternal)

Over the past few days, we have been overwhelmed multiple times.

After a while, it gets exhausting. I was overwhelmed with terror over what I did not know, but what I suspected. I wanted to initially think that what Ian was experiencing was due to a lazy eye and an ear infection, but the fears wouldn’t leave me alone. On Wednesday night, about 36 hours before the MRI, this is what I wrote in my journal:

I want to believe that the symptoms aren’t related. I want to believe that he’s got an inner ear infection, plus a lazy eye. However, it’s difficult when a doctor wants him to have an MRI. When those words are out in the open, they invite other words that make my strength leave. Words like “tumor,” “inoperable” and others that I can’t bear to write.

Then, after we got the news, I was overwhelmed once again. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt such crushing waves of sorrow and terror. My little boy…my “warrior in training”…this little guy whom I call (to his annoyance) “Buddy Bear”…suddenly, I’m being told that I’m not going to get to see him grow up. That all the dreams we’ve had for him are, in all likelihood, not going to happen. The grief and fear came on me and would not let go even now, it’s still a terrible constant companion, welling up when it’s not wanted, and it overcomes me.

But, Deb and I are also overwhelmed by the outpouring of compassion that we’re seeing and hearing from our family and friends. I’ve lost count of the number of churches and prayer groups that are lifting us up. Emails, voice mails, calls and visits have been flooding in since we started letting people know about Ian. Knowing how many people love and care for Ian, as well as Deb and me, has been…I can’t put it into words. “Touching” doesn’t come close. “Humbling” is closer to the mark. “Needed” is definitely there. “God-sent” is right on the mark. We need to hear from you at this time, and more importantly, later in this process. But right now, it’s one of the few bright spots in this nightmare, to hear so many people say “We love you, and we want to help.”

Thank You, to everyone who has contacted us, and continues to think of us. If I have to be overwhelmed, this is not a bad way to have it happen. I want to say “Thank You” to our friends at Living Waters church in Lakeville. We haven’t been with you very long, but the kindness we’ve seen has been proof that God is living in this body of believers. We want to thank our friends at Berean Baptist in Burnsville; you have been so quick to reach out and show how much you care. Friends who we see regularly, and those whom we haven’t seen in years are taking the time to let us know that they love us and want to help any way they can. We treasure all of you, and hope that soon we can tell you in person what God is doing through this time.

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Recently, Deb and I have noticed changes in our son, Ian. Dizziness, loss of balance, sore throat, and one of his eyes wasn’t tracking with the other. We initially thought that this was an inner ear disturbance, plus a sinus infection. We were urged by two doctors to have an MRI. After it was done yesterday, we were given a horrible prognosis. Ian has a tumor in his brain stem. It is malignant. The tumor is placed deep enough that it is inoperable. We will start radiation treatments in less than two weeks. The treatments will be aggressive (5 times/week for 6 weeks).

Please keep us in your prayers. We will need them more than ever. Deb has set up a Caring Bridge page for the latest news; it’s at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ianhenderson. Also, I will be blogging here more an more.

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Facial Hair (Pictures)

I’ve had a couple of people express some curiosity about what I look like now that I’ve neglected the razor for a month and a half. Well, not neglected, per se; we’re mere acquaintances now. I have no clue why I decided to grow a small beard. The only reason I’ve been satisfied with is that I can do it, and that’s enough.

Here’s the current growth:

It was longer, but I mistakenly trimmed it with the clippers at the lowest setting. I’ll post more pictures once I can get a better one. The other attempts at documenting my adventure in extended stubble had me looking like I was three sheets to the wind.

Also, contrary to what this photo shows, there is hair all around my mouth. It’s just blonde…greyish blonde…yeah, that’s it.

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