One thing I’ve noticed as I get older, is that songs I’ve listened to dozens of times can suddenly reveal their meanings (or new meanings) as I accumulate more experiences. Case in point: I was listening to the album High Noon by Mark Heard. I came to the song “Look Over Your Shoulder”, and its meaning became very real to me (at least, a meaning that the Lord had for me).

Here is a recording of the song as done by Randy Stonehill and Kate Miner from the tribute album Strong Hand of Love. While there is nothing wrong with the original, I’ve always enjoyed this one more for some reason.

Look Over Your Shoulder
by Mark Heard

Look over your shoulder and tell me what’s coming
Tell me what is the bogey that you’re so afraid of
The eyes in the back of our heads can persuade
That just for a moment mercy has swayed
Look over your shoulder and tell me what’s coming

Look into your sad eyes and tell me what you see
What is left of the child who is hiding behind them
Who longs to be laughing in places of light
Who knows that the morning will follow the night
Look into your sad eyes and tell me what you see

If you must be afraid, be afraid of yourself
For being afraid of the fear you have felt
You will weather well in a climate of love

It takes more than your passion and more than your pain
For the rock of forgiveness to melt in the rain

Look over your shoulder and tell me what’s coming
Look into your sad eyes and tell me what you see
Look over your shoulder and tell me what’s coming

This song speaks to the fear that has been lurking in the back of my head, that looks for moments to jump out and overtake me. I love the way that this song expresses comfort and hope, while at the same time giving a sense of understanding.

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity
- Proverbs 17:17

We’re getting a big blessing this weekend. One of my best friends and his lovely wife are visiting from Columbia, Missouri. Paul and I met (if my dim memory serves me) in preschool, and we have been friends ever since. Through grade school, junior high and high school, we saw each other daily, and at least once or twice a week through college. I moved to Minneapolis in 1993; Paul and I have made occasional attempts to catch up with one another since then, but this is a rare opportunity to really see what the past 15 years have done to each other.

That, and play some of the video games that we used to play in college, like Blades of Steel and Super Dodge-Ball…

I asked Deb to look at that last post, and she thought it was a little big fatalistic…OK, maybe a lot fatalistic. She pointed out that, not only are do we still have a live little boy, he’s actually doing very well. There are no tumor symptoms, we’re working on the existing conditions successfully, and he’s doing very well in school.

So, it’s obvious that something is causing me to paint everything black from time to time. It’s sometimes difficult to see spiritual warfare for what it is when the enemy is actively engaging me, but that’s 90% of the battle, IMHO. So, in order to more effectively combat this, I’ve started reading the followup to Victory Over the Darkness. It’s The Bondage Breaker (once again, by Neil Anderson). I’ve just started it, but from what I’ve read so far, it seems like one of the best materials I’ve seen that deals with personal spiritual warfare. The premise is simple: Satan’s weapon is the lie. Our counter-weapon is God’s truth.

Stay tuned for more postings as I get more into this book.

Wow…has it been that long since I’ve written anything?

I keep thinking that I need to write something here, and I get an occasional flash of inspiration, but it’s usually gone when something shiny appears. I do tend to get distracted fairly quickly.

If anyone is wondering, here’s what’s been going on lately:

Ian is doing great, for the most part. He started first grade, and except for the things that most first graders wrestle against (except perhaps for an unbelievable fear of fruit), he’s doing great. Seriously–the kid can’t stand to be around fruit. Anyway, his physical education teacher is watching him very closely, and has given us good reports. We still see some weakness on one side, but it’s nothing like what he used to exhibit. That, and he seems to be having some trouble swallowing his own saliva from time to time. That scares the literal pee out of me, since it could be a big symptom. He has no problems drinking from a cup-he used to gag and choke occasionally, when the tumor was in full force-but not anymore, which is comforting. From what I remember, and IANAPNO(1), this is a symptom of radiation scatter, not of the tumor.  For some reason, I can handle that better.

I finished reading Disappointment With God by Phillip Yancy.  I want to say that I enjoyed the book, and I did, but it seems like that shouldn’t be the kind of book one would enjoy.  It deals with three questions:

• Is God unfair?
• Is God silent?
• Is God hidden?

By the way, the answers can be surprising.

The subject matter in the book was something that I had to read and meditate on, better now than later.  At the moment, Ian’s doing well, and there is definite hope.  But, at some point, the bottom is going to drop out again.  Either with Ian, with the hospital bills, or some other piece of life is going to come crashing into our home.  I want to have my worldview set in stone, so that my heart is guarded when the enemy comes against us.

This book helped in that regard.  In the first half, Yancy cruises through the whole of scripture, except for the book of Job, to obtain God’s point of view for those questions.  In the second half, he focuses on the book of Job.  I’ve put off reading Job through this season of life.  Job has almost struck me as almost removed from real life.  It’s been difficult for me to relate to the sheer amount of suffering that Job endured, and the monologues seem almost…Shakespearean.  Yet, after reading Yancey’s book, and with a little bit more maturity, Job is coming more alive to me.  One part that stood out was in chapter 9, when Job discusses wanting to confront God about his suffering:

He is not a man like me that I may answer Him,
that we might confront each other in court.
If only there were someone to arbitrate between us,
to lay his hand upon us both,
someone to remove God’s rod from me,
so that his terror would frighten me no more.
Then I would speak up without fear of Him,
but as it now stands with me, I cannot.

Job seems to clearly understand where he stands with God (i.e, he can’t stand against God).  Job is aware of his own sin and wickedness, and longs for an intermediary.  I discussed this in an earlier post, about how aware I was one Sunday about Christ’s final atonement, and how that allowed me to approach God at any time.  When I’m finally in Heaven, I look forward to talking with the saints from the Old Testament, to get an idea of how incredible a thing it is to be able to approach God the Father freely, without fear.  (Although, since we will actually see God at that time, I’ll probably have my own idea).

Lastly, I want to publicly thank all of the men from my small group who showed up for my surprise birthday party.  For years, when I would see a surprise party in a movie or TV show, I’ve always wanted one.  Thanks for taking the time to wish me well and celebrate.

Ok, I’m done rambling.  I promise a bit more coherency in the next post.

(1) I Am Not A Pediatric Neuro-Oncologist