…Hold on to yourself
This is gonna hurt like hell.
– Hold On by Sarah MacLachlan
The link above is to a concert performance for that song. Originally, I was just going to quote it, but I found the clip, and the performance is incredible, so I had to include it. I never knew the story behind this song, but hearing it from Sarah, I thought that it was somewhat appropriate. “Somewhat appropriate,” meaning I was suddenly gripped by spasms of grief and mourning.
I’ve been watching Ian this weekend. Going to work is a blessing, but it also insulates me from much of what is going on. Now that’s we’ve dropped the steroids to give the MRI tomorrow the best image possible, we start seeing the tumor symptoms again. Watching my son struggle up stairs…watching his eyes not quite work together…watching saliva drip from his mouth, knowing that he doesn’t feel it and can’t stop it…knowing that this might be as good as it gets. It’s been difficult to not slip into a self-destructive state of mind.
I’ve been reminding others that God is not done with this, that He is still in this situation. Right now, tonight, I really want to believe it. But I’m afraid now. I’m afraid of the pain to come, but I think that I might be more afraid of what I might do, in my weak and selfish human-ness, if I lashed out, trying to stop the agony.
Gee, aren’t you glad you stopped by? Maybe the next post will be happier.
#1 by songstress7 on January 19th, 2009
Love you Tom… thanks for being real through all this. If you’re only willing to admit when your faith is strong, when you’re feeling strong, well… it just makes those who are fearful or feeling weak feel like they’re lacking. I don’t know if I explained that well enough, but it’s true.
Also, thanks for the Sarah link, I hadn’t heard the story behind that song before – I’ve always liked it, and this was the first time it really made me cry.