I’ve been meaning to write on the subject of the next year or so, ever since Mother’s Day. Deb and I are in for a year of very difficult anniversaries and “firsts”. We survived the first Easter without Ian by keeping our focus on Ian’s resurrection. We made it through the first Mother’s Day by going to Iowa and focusing on our own mothers (and grandmother). The anniversary of his diagnosis flew by as we left on our trip to Michigan. I’ve been meaning to use these occasions to start a new post category: “Stinking Firsts”. When he encountered something unpleasant (such as a 7-10 split in Wii Bowling), Ian would assign it the worst adjective he could think of–”stinking”. Granted, it’s not the worst thing I can think of, but it seems like a polite compromise.
Now I’m facing the next “stinking first”–my first post-Ian Father’s Day.
It doesn’t help that retailers are desperately trying to get people to buy things, so the advertising industry has been reminding me on an hourly basis that tomorrow there is nobody who looks to me as a paternal figure. Additionally, neither Deb nor I have any living male ancestors, so there is nobody on which to focus the day. In my weaker moments, I’m considering not attending church tomorrow. However, I found out that tomorrow is communion Sunday, and I hate to miss that. I’ll probably decide in the morning, around 9:55.
One thing that struck me today, and I hope I can figure out a way to convey it without sounding arrogant. I loved being a father, and it’s something that I truly enjoyed and invested myself in.* Perhaps instead of wondering why Ian had to be the child to have a brain tumor, I should wonder why I was the father of such a child. Perhaps God picked me because he knew that I could handle the assignment. I need to flesh that thought out more, and I might write about it.
Thank you to everyone who is taking the time to leave encouraging comments. They are appreciated, and help more than I can ever say.
*How many sentences can I end in a preposition in one post? Yikes...
#1 by Sue Eaton on June 20th, 2009
Tom -
You are in the thoughts and prayers of many as you walk through the “stinkies”.
Ps – it is so evident you ARE a great dad; don’t let anyone or anything rob that joy. Ian’s childlike faith was nurtured by two godly parents. He was so blessed.
#2 by Dan and Linda Miner on June 21st, 2009
Tom,
To a dad I truly believe God chose especially for Ian. One that would give Ian lots of love and guidance during his short stay on earth. Dan and I will be thinking of you today and send our love to you.
#3 by Carol Herrmann on June 21st, 2009
Tom,
You don’t know me, but I have followed Ian’s site for a little while. I am so sorry for your loss. My own beautiful 14 year old daughter, Caroline, died in December 2008 after a one year battle with a brain tumor (GBM). She was treated at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. Prior to diagnosis she was the picture of health.
I know you loved being Ian’s dad here on Earth – that is so evident by the pictures you post and the stories you tell. I also know that Ian loved being your little boy – that too is evident by the pictures and stories. He was a well loved and loving little boy. I know you were not finished being Ian’s dad, and I wasn’t finished being Caroline’s mom. There were so many things still left to do together!
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I just had to write and tell you that I completely understand the depth of your sorrow.
Carol Herrmann
#4 by Tami Marland on June 21st, 2009
Tom ~
Happy Father’s Day! I want you to know that I think of you and Deb on a regular basis. I’ve been reading the caringbridge and your blog sites.
You are wonderful parents – you are wonderful people. God is using you….just by going through these stages of grief. You’re teaching people how to love the people around them and to love the only God who can give them comfort and peace.
You’re teaching me – I feel like a “baby” Christian who needs more of what you and Deb have found. Thanks for “parenting” us to LEAN more heavily on God.
#5 by Mary Krupski on June 21st, 2009
Dear Tom,
We have been thinking of you and praying for you. You know we think so much of you as an amazing dad, a wonderful friend, a great husband and most of all – an incredible follower of Christ. God bless you and hold you tight.
Love, Brian and Mary
#6 by Tonya Rodriguez on June 21st, 2009
Hi Tom I read your post about Father’s day and my heart hurts for you and Deb too. What you said at the end of the post is so true. The Lord knew that you would be able to handle this with Ian. It may not feel like you have or feel like you do but the Lord knows our hearts and He says he will never put more upon us than we can bare. There is a reason for everything. I hope that one day you and Deb may write a book about Ian for all of those that were so blessed by him but never got to meet him personally. He was very special. You are a Father and always will be not even death can take that away from anyone. I think Ian has looked down upon you today and told Jesus “that’s my dad and I’m proud of him” and “I’m thankful Jesus that you made him to be my Dad” You and Deb both stay in my prayers. God bless In Him. Tonya.
#7 by Brian Krupski on June 21st, 2009
Hey Tom,
You have been and continue to be a great example for me on being a wonderful father. As much as it may seem there is no one to focus on for fathers day, you will always continue be Ian’s Dad. I’m sure he’s setting a new record for all the times he uses “Awesome” with everyone he encounters to describe what a guiding light you have been for him. And the best part (for him anyway) is that he gets it all now, God’s plan. We’ll see it too some day. For now the hard part is waiting that time out, and listening for God to show what’s next.
Happy Father’s Day, Tom!
#8 by Paul Carlberg on June 22nd, 2009
Hi Tom,
I’m touched by your words and enjoy reading them. I was thinking of you yesterday, and was hoping you could find rest in Gods arms.
Sincerly,
Paul
#9 by Tom Ernster on June 22nd, 2009
OK. I’m breaking my silence… What can anyone say and can anyone do that you don’t already know or have heard? I guess I will never understand suffering or why we go through it…
I found this interesting and worth a bit of reflection:
“Suffering seems to belong to man’s transcendence: it is one of those points in which man is in a certain sense “destined” to go beyond himself, and he is called to this in a mysterious way.” – Pope John Paul II / SALVIFICI DOLORIS / On the meaning of Human Suffering.
From my perspective (and I think the perspective of many), I think you can honestly say both you and Deb did, in-fact, go beyond yourselves attending to Ian while he graced your presence here and even now that he has passed – even if you don’t personally feel like you lived up to that standard.
I have no words of wisdom Tom. It sounds like hell, but I think you’re on to something. I just hope the memories get easier as time goes by.
Take care,
Tom
#10 by Dan on June 22nd, 2009
Hey Tom!
I have to say that I’m thankful for your example of fatherhood. In the time you were with Ian I appreciated the dedication you showed to him and the example of real quality time that you spent with him. It is a blessing to me, my kids and I’m certain to many others.
Keep fighting the good fight,
Strength and Honor!
Dan
#11 by Kathy Eineke on June 23rd, 2009
I have to confess that the “stinking split” comments when Ian played wii came from me. After I heard him use that same phraseology, I could not get that Genie back into the bottle. Sorry for the bad influence. However, I will treasure forever the fun we had together…love, Mom
#12 by Jackie Melear on June 23rd, 2009
Tom and Deb,
I never met you but feel as I know you through your mom Irene. We have kept track of your ordeal and loss of Ian on Caring Bridge. You continue to be in our prayers. What a treasure that God gave you the time you had with Ian. I can only imagine your emptiness without him. Find comfort in the lord and he will heal your grief with time. “Love Comforteth like sunshine after the rain” (William Shakespear) God Bless you.
Jackie and Ken
#13 by Katy on June 23rd, 2009
Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your site and wanted to say
that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case
I’ll be subscribing to your blog and I hope you post again soon!
#14 by Julie Widick on June 24th, 2009
Tom, Our thoughts and prayers are with you and Deb as you try to see what God has planned for you now. We just got back fromour “last” family vacation. We went on a Mediterrean cruise with our daughters before Becky moves into her own apartment and Holly moves to Texas to go go grad school at Baylor. Randy just got a job in Scottsboro, Al and will be there for the summer. Take care and know you are loved. Randy and Julie
#15 by Marianne Cowan on September 3rd, 2009
Tom:
Just wanted to drop you a note to wish you a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”! Hope you have a great day!!!!!