Over the past few days, we have been overwhelmed multiple times.
After a while, it gets exhausting. I was overwhelmed with terror over what I did not know, but what I suspected. I wanted to initially think that what Ian was experiencing was due to a lazy eye and an ear infection, but the fears wouldn’t leave me alone. On Wednesday night, about 36 hours before the MRI, this is what I wrote in my journal:
I want to believe that the symptoms aren’t related. I want to believe that he’s got an inner ear infection, plus a lazy eye. However, it’s difficult when a doctor wants him to have an MRI. When those words are out in the open, they invite other words that make my strength leave. Words like “tumor,” “inoperable” and others that I can’t bear to write.
Then, after we got the news, I was overwhelmed once again. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt such crushing waves of sorrow and terror. My little boy…my “warrior in training”…this little guy whom I call (to his annoyance) “Buddy Bear”…suddenly, I’m being told that I’m not going to get to see him grow up. That all the dreams we’ve had for him are, in all likelihood, not going to happen. The grief and fear came on me and would not let go even now, it’s still a terrible constant companion, welling up when it’s not wanted, and it overcomes me.
But, Deb and I are also overwhelmed by the outpouring of compassion that we’re seeing and hearing from our family and friends. I’ve lost count of the number of churches and prayer groups that are lifting us up. Emails, voice mails, calls and visits have been flooding in since we started letting people know about Ian. Knowing how many people love and care for Ian, as well as Deb and me, has been…I can’t put it into words. “Touching” doesn’t come close. “Humbling” is closer to the mark. “Needed” is definitely there. “God-sent” is right on the mark. We need to hear from you at this time, and more importantly, later in this process. But right now, it’s one of the few bright spots in this nightmare, to hear so many people say “We love you, and we want to help.”
Thank You, to everyone who has contacted us, and continues to think of us. If I have to be overwhelmed, this is not a bad way to have it happen. I want to say “Thank You” to our friends at Living Waters church in Lakeville. We haven’t been with you very long, but the kindness we’ve seen has been proof that God is living in this body of believers. We want to thank our friends at Berean Baptist in Burnsville; you have been so quick to reach out and show how much you care. Friends who we see regularly, and those whom we haven’t seen in years are taking the time to let us know that they love us and want to help any way they can. We treasure all of you, and hope that soon we can tell you in person what God is doing through this time.
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