Weird dream time.

This morning, I dreamed that I was in a classroom, in some kind of science class.  The teacher wanted me to hold something for him.  When I took it, I realized that it was a cockroach.  A big one, about the size of my hand.  And it hissed, constantly.  The teacher was going to take it away from me and put it in a container, but he seemed to be taking his time getting ready to relieve me of the roach.  All the time, I had to hold it with both hands, as it continued to hiss at me, warning me that it wished to be let go.

Needless to say, I did not appreciate this “gift”.  I knew that it was temporary, and that I had to trust the instructor.  I also knew that it was imperative that I hold it correctly.  If I held it too loosely, I was going to be hurt.  If I held it too tightly, I would crush the creature, and the instructor would be disappointed with me.  He had a purpose for me holding this, and picked me personally, whether or not I was comfortable with it.

The alarm went off before I had a chance to finish the dream; I was glad to discover that I did not have possession of a giant hissing cockroach.

I’m guessing that it was a way for my mind to express the tension I’m under with our situation.  God has called me to gently and carefully hold on to the experience and grief of losing a beloved child.  He has a purpose for it.  There are times where I feel I want to let go and let the grief have its way with me.  Other times, I want to crush it out of my life.  However, if I do either, it will interfere with (but not stop) His purpose.

Or, I just need to watch what I eat before bed.  Take your pick.

…and I’ll say it again.  It’s not supposed to snow in October.  It’s just…wrong.

And for those you who have been in Minnesota longer than Deb & I: yes, we’ve heard about the Halloween ’91 blizzard.  No, we were not here for it.  Thank Heavens.

I’ll probably do another post today.  Stay tuned.

Hendersonhome.net moved to new host? Check.
Deb’s blog set up? Check.
New blog software installed for Tom? Check.
New welcome page uploaded? Check.

Great! New writing commences in 3…2…1…

*Crickets chirping in the background*

The creative streak I was enjoying just hasn’t been coming lately. And it’s not that I want to write, as much as I want to want to write The drive that was in me months before has quietly excused itself, and I’ve really been noticing it lately, like when you realize that a friend has left a party early without saying goodbye.

Why?

Two possibilities come to mind, and I believe that they are related:

The suffering has changed. I’m not saying that things are fantastic, mind you. There are still days where the major accomplishments are that I’m breathing and vertical. I miss my son more than I miss my marbles, and each morning is a stark reminder that he’s not with me.

It’s that the suffering has changed. The adrenaline isn’t pumping, the searching for God’s will and mercy has ceased. We’ve gone from a battle to what feels like a desert wandering.

My input has changed. I’ll be honest: I’m spending my free time differently than I used to. My craving for entertainment tends to get the better of me lately. I used to look forward to spending time in scripture, but lately it’s more effort than enjoyment. My prayer time has suffered as well.

I believe that the two are tied together. When Ian was in the midst of his suffering (and, as his parent, I was suffering as well), I was much more dependent on my Lord. I sought Him out, and cherished my time with Him as a source of comfort and healing. Now, it feels more like a passive-aggressive relationship, at least on my part. Are there unresolved anger issues? Quite possibly. However, what hasn’t changed..

God is good. I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. (Ps. 27:13) His goodness is not my goodness (thank Goodness).

God’s grace will not fail. In my humanness, I keep wanting to measure and box God’s grace so that I have an understanding of it. Every so often I find myself asking my Lord, “I’ve ignored you for so long…do you mean to tell me that you still long for me?” The answer is a resounding “yes!”. He understands me better than I can imagine. He knows my condition, both as a human as well as a person who is in grief, and is patient with me.

He is not finished with me. This is where my emotions tend to betray me, and the enemy seeks to rob my joy. Too often lately both Deb and I fight the feeling that we have been put on a shelf, and there isn’t anything else for us to do; life will be endured, nothing more. I am still breathing, therefore my time here is not yet complete.

To this end, I’m currently working through Focus of a Warrior. It’s my desire to have a defined direction in life, and got has supplied FOAW as the means.

At any rate, now that the new blog software is in place, and as the healing continues, I want to write more. It’s not a hopeless cause, though. I’m in the middle of The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning; the main thrust seems to be “God has more grace for me than I can imagine, and it has nothing to do with me…Thank God.” Also, Deb and I are going to go see Rob Bell’s presentation Drops Like Stars in August.

Between the two of those, there’s got to be a post somewhere…

Is anyone still here?

I’m sure that anyone who has been reading this blog (thank you, both of you) would ask the same thing. It’s been a month since I last put anything up, in Internet time, that’s an eternity.

I wasn’t intentionally not blogging, but any post I thought about, I mentally edited until I had myself convinced that it wasn’t worth typing. Nevertheless, I remember that when I was posting regularly, I felt better. I was doing better. I have fallen off numerous wagons over the few months, and it’s time to get back on them, one by one.

How Am I?
I’m…still grieving. This shouldn’t come to anyone’s surprise. And I know that the events of the past year will never completely heal. That’s just the way we’re made. And yet, I’m ready to stop hurting. I’m not trying to forget Ian; I look at pictures and video too much for that to happen. But, I’m just tired of the grief and the emotional pain.

To that end, I’ve been letting myself get very distracted. Everyone has their own addictions. Mine is entertainment. A month ago, in a moment of weakness, I bought an XBox 360. A more accurate term for this device would be “time sink”. It didn’t help matters that one of the first games I purchased was perhaps the most engaging game I have every played. Only lately have I been able to consciously not turn the blasted thing on when I have a few free moments. And it doesn’t help that the thing will play Netflix movies over the ‘Net.

What Am I Doing?
I’m busy in other areas. I’ve started Phase II of Heart of a Warrior, called Focus of a Warrior. It’s a nine month program that is designed to help me narrow down why I’ve been put on this earth. Also, I’m back playing bass (and, hopefully, other instruments) in the music ministry at our church. There are house projects galore that are being addressed. Oh, yeah–and my job is in the busiest season of the year.

What Has Been My Input?
I’ve been reading, at least as much as I ever have. I finished Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller fairly quickly. I also buzzed through Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. At the moment, I’m reading unChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. All three of these books seem to be God’s way of telling me that a change is coming.

The biggest part of me wants to put This Bloody Season behind me and rest. I’m tired, and I want to relax. I want to stay in my basement, enjoy my little addiction and let the world rot. It has disappointed me; I’ll just wait for the next one, thank you very much. But that’s not what I signed up for. And, ultimately, I know that it won’t satisfy or bring me joy. Happiness, yes. But, to paraphrase C.S. Lewis, if I want happiness, I can go find it in a bottle of beer and a game. Ultimately, I do want more. Or, more accurately, I want to want more.

To that end, the next book in my queue is When I Don’t Desire God by John Piper. I’ve read the first chapter, and immediately backed off. I recognized that this book cannot be read then put aside, at least if I want to gain anything from it. I’m going to have to read this one slowly, and mentally chew on it. I’ll probably approach it like I did my penultimate life-changing book, Victory Over the Darkness by Neil Anderson. If it’s going to do me any good, I will need to read each chapter two or three times, highlighting and making notes in the margin as I go. I’ll need to write down questions for myself. The bottom line is that either God (not his creation, but God Himself) is not only able to satisfy, but will bring me the highest form of joy, or not. I believe the question for that one is answered by only me. Am I willing to forgo other pleasures in order to find my complete joy in Him?

I guess I’ll find out. I told a friend about this book, and she requested that I blog about it as I read it. I can see that being a helpful way to process through the material. So, I guess you will find out, too.

PS — If you clicked on some of the book links above, then I hope you’ll agree; Amazon owes me something…