Deb’s Journey…

March 20, 2013

Light for next steps…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 7:39 am

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.  I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting.

Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me . . .

An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m afraid of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ’say something about it’ or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don’t . . .

And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness . . .” ~  C. S. Lewis, from A Grief Observed

Replace “smoke” with “eat” and this has been me for the past four years.

I’ve been reactive instead of responsive to nearly everyone as I haven’t had the energy to absorb things and respond as I would like.  I’ve had time…all the time in the world it seems…but desire, clarity and energy haven’t been mine.  Survival mode does that to a person.  I long not just to survive, but to truly live…I’ve been breathing out and breathing in but the question remains have I ever truly lived?

It’s been a season of waiting, resting and healing.  A season of standing still.  Having just enough light for the step that I’m on hasn’t overly encouraged me.  Most of the time it has just frustrated me.  I kept hoping for light for the next step.

I confess that in a desire to stop just standing still I’ve spent some time walking, falling, and crawling in the darkness.  Darkness plays terrible tricks on a person.  It fills the mind with lies and fills the heart with despair - it’s exhausting to the point of collapse.

“After awhile in the dark, your eyes will adjust.  In the shadows you’ll find a Hand you can trust and a still small voice that calls like the rising sun, “Come. Bring your heart to everyday and run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away.  You must run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away” ~ Jason Gray, from Without Running Away

“God in His wisdom will bring about the best possible ends by the best possible means for the most possible people for the longest possible time.” - Charles Ryrie

One thing about spending time in the dark is you begin to recognize others who live there.  I want to help them, but am afraid of a tug of war and that instead of guiding them into the light they will pull me back into the darkness. Still, I want to try…

On Sunday I completed a twenty week training course for Stephen Ministry which is defined as “Christ caring for people through people.”  Soon I may be assigned a care receiver, someone who is walking through a valley and has asked for a faithful companion to walk with them.  Lord help!

Tom and I have also signed on to go to Honduras in October for a short term mission trip to help put a well in a village.  A child dies every 20 seconds from water related illnesses.  A well in a community can cut the child death rate in half.  Lord help!

There is light for next steps…God, please give me the strength and courage to step out…

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