Deb’s Journey…

August 30, 2011

Longing for more…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 7:37 am

Longing for more…wishing for wholeness…aching for true intimacy…

I long to live honestly, but am afraid to allow mere humans to see the truth of my life…the grief, the physical pain, the loneliness and longing…they react very much as Job’s “friends” reacted…not great.

Cloudy days often make me melancholy.  I am alone in a quiet house.  The skies are overcast and so is my heart.

I want to speak out the sorrow and have someone understand…I don’t seek to complain, but to give no voice to the sorrow somehow means that it remains.  Giving it a voice and having someone else care lightens it somehow.

I find no connection with other women…at first I thought it was just among those who were my age and had children Ian’s age that I no longer found to be my “peers”.  I thought perhaps the women who were “empty nesters” would become more my peers…but alas it matters not what age the woman is, if she has been a mother, her children remain the total of her existance or so it seems from what spills forth from her mouth…

Oh how I long for common ground in conversation!

I’m worried about Hutchmoot because I’m afraid it will be the same…I don’t want to answer the basic questions about do you have children?  Do you work outside the home?  No…oh, well then you must be a nobody.

We are to read common books and in those books we are to have common ground to converse about.  Ah, joy!   This shows great promise!  Time away from our environment…away from the memories…away from the doctor appointments…and into a new group of people who doesn’t know all we’ve been through.

I don’t want my identity to be defined as being a childless woman and yet, that is unfortunately how I have viewed myself…how do I come to realize that I’m more than that?

In my heart I’m still a mom…only I have no child to mother now.  I see little ones at the store and hear their funny little sayings and hear them call “Mama”…

I read about all of Ian’s little friends going back to school…he would have been going into 4th grade this fall.  School supplies are everywhere.  And I feel guilty for every time I thought they were too expensive…feel guilty for feeling relief at it being time for school to start so I could have a few hours to myself during the day…ugh!  Now that’s all I have and I don’t want it!!!!!   I’d LOVE to spend tons of time with my precious boy!!!!  I’m even angry at the moms who are complaining about HAVING to spend time with their children and who are so anxious for them to go to school again.  They don’t know what they are wishing for…and truly they aren’t wishing for their precious ones to go away for ever…just for a few hours so they can refuel…

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