Deb’s Journey…

May 25, 2010

“Fine”

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 12:31 pm

I just read a little article from a section in the Sunday paper called Parade.com/backpage  the author was talking about a conversation she had with the woman next to her on an airplane.

“I lost my husband last year,” she said softly.  “He died.  Last year.”  She recited the simple facts of an unthinkable horror…”Some days,” she said, “I still can’t believe this is happening.”  When her friends ask how she’s doing, “I tell them I’m fine,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.  “I know that’s what they need to hear.  They want it to be over.”  She looked down at her lap, smoothed the folds of her long skirt.  “I want it to be over too”, she said.  “It just doesn’t seem to work that way.”

She echoed my heart so clearly and somehow it felt good to read that and know I’m not alone in my feelings.  We survived the first year and yes, we celebrated that fact…but that doesn’t mean it’s over and that doesn’t mean we’re “fine”.  Sometimes I don’t share my aching heart and my unrealized dreams because there isn’t anything any human can do about it…though I’ll confess sometimes I wish more often that His grace would come through compassionate, listening ears…

Sunday was the two year mark of “D” day…Ian’s diagnosis…it feels like an eternity ago and just yesterday at the same time…the roller coaster ride of emotions makes me nauseous sometimes.

As if the calendar wanted us to remember the hard date, the car blew up on our way home from church.  Something went “pop” and smoke started to roll out from under the hood…thankfully we go to church with a great guy who works for an auto shop nearby and they were able to tow the car in and fix it.

We had received a notice on Friday from the IRS that “we figured our taxes wrong”…made my heart stop… but then I read on and discovered they were going to send us 3x the refund amount we thought we would receive -really?  The check arrived in the mail Monday afternoon and we put it in the bank on the way to pick up the car where we ended up paying  just slightly less than the extra amount God so generously provided - just in time.  He’s never late, but He has a habit of dramatically showing up at the moment we need Him - riding in to save the day with a great flourish.

Sometimes life really stinks and I focus my attention on the lousy stuff going on and then by the grace of God He provides a way so that we can stand up under it.   It doesn’t mean that the bad stuff won’t happen…which is frankly what I wish…it only means that God faithfully provides & protects when bad stuff does happen.

That message of His redemptive ways is so much easier for me to share than my heartaches over the areas of my life that are not yet redeemed…those places that are painfully unfair while we live life between the bookends must not remain my focus and yet I confess many days I don’t stand up under them…I fall on my knees and need Him to get back up.   Grief is a hard and lonely journey…one that my Lord knows very well… “Fine” is a very relative term…

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