Deb’s Journey…

January 31, 2012

Awe and wonder…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 2:56 pm

Before I was a wife and mother, I was a nanny.  I’ll confess that though I find them physically exhausting, preschoolers are among my favorite people.  One of the biggest things I miss about spending my days with a child is seeing life through their eyes.  Children look at things so freshly.  They view everything for the first time…they notice the details that we overlook.  They see beauty and find joy in what we have come to consider common.

Our friend, S.D. Smith wrote a wonderful piece this week in the Rabbit Room.

In his post he expresses the idea that being thankful is the pathway to recovering wonder.  I love this idea and have spent time dwelling on it over the past couple of days.  In counting my blessings, I’ve indeed found a renewed sense of joy, awe and wonder…

I remember when Ian was about two and I took him to an indoor playground one dark winter day. (Yes, in Minnesota it’s very necessary to have indoor playgrounds :-).  It was his first time there and being an only child, he dearly loved to watch other children.  He was content, no, he was delighted to play near them.  Though he hesitated to play with them, he watched, listened and copied them.   Squeals of laughter rang from him as he would race over, flinging himself at me and thank me for the fun he was having.  That was his first trip there, but it wasn’t his last.   ;-) His thankfulness flowed out of his joy.

When Tom and I were first dating we loved to go to concerts, we still do. Acoustic artists with a folk or pop sound have consistently been our favorites. In those early years we loved Lowen & Navarro. One of their songs has danced in my mind today…

Through A Child’s Eyes…by Eric Lowen and Dan Navarro 1995

“Throw back your head and laugh again you make me glad to be alive!

I feel the weight of a thousand heartaches leave me with your simple smile.

So many changes I’ve been through completely faded from my view.

I saw you through a child’s eyes and all your innocence came into my life now my darkest night is coming to an end since I began to see through a child’s eyes again.

When did I let go of the part of me that used to live for everyday?

Cos it’s been too long now that I have grown, I’ve gotten lost along the way.

You turned the pages back for me, to the way I used to be.

I saw you through a child’s eyes and all your innocence came into my life now my darkest night is coming to an end since I began to see through a child’s eyes again.”

Yes, the view through a child’s eyes is filled with awe and wonder – oh to see things with such clarity again!

January 12, 2012


Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 10:24 am

I keep telling myself  “Be brave, don’t complain, tough it out”  but I can’t keep quiet anymore.

My body is screaming in pain!   For the past week I’ve been unable to sleep because of the pain.    Nothing seems to help.  I’ve tried all the tools I’ve been given and they aren’t working. Everything is harder without rest.

Back and brain MRI scans have revealed a herniated lumbar disc, but also “hyper intensities” in my brain that may indicate MS.  I’ll hopefully know more after seeing a neurologist on February 1st.  Most of the pain I feel is coming from the low back and running across my right hip and down the back of the right leg so I fully believe this is disc related.    My feet and toes in both legs feel like they are asleep which could be from the disc or could be a sign of MS.  Either way the pain I have right now, needs some management and February 1st is too far away.

Grief has been particularly bad through the holidays and this time of the year brings very painful memories that I struggle to keep at bay.  I’m certain the stress of this is only adding to my current physical discomfort.

I’ve been pleading with God to please take the pain away and have not yet received a “yes” answer. In fact He’s been silent.

The enemy loves to take the sword of scripture and stab me through the heart.  Saying things like “God grants rest to those He loves“   My defenses are super depleted, I’m feeling very alone and down behind enemy lines…

Please pray the troops will arrive soon.    Thanks.

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