Deb’s Journey…

September 15, 2010

“Wishing you were somehow here again”

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 8:38 am

I’m still recovering from an emotionally charged weekend that has left me a little shaken.  We ordered Ian’s memorial over mother’s day weekend and it is finally completed - we saw it for the first time on Saturday.  We had seen photos, but nothing really prepared me for the graveside.

We returned home Sunday night exhausted thinking we would just slip into our typical Sunday night ritual - losing ourselves in a movie.  The one that had arrived from Netflix was  “The Phantom of the Opera”…yet in my own heightened state it only added fuel to my fire… music lingers in my head and has wreaked havoc in my spirit for a couple of days now…

“You were once my one companion . . .
you were all that mattered . . .
You were once my friend and (playmate)…
then my world was shattered . . .

Wishing you were somehow here again . . .
wishing you were somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here . . .

Passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you, the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .”

Last night I put out a plea on facebook for prayers so I could rest and God thankfully granted me a good night’s sleep.  This morning He brought me to Ian’s bible (New International Reader’s Version) and to a renewing promise of His love…and hope that can be  found there.

The Lord loves us very much. So we haven’t been completely destroyed. His loving concern never fails.  His great love is new every morning.
Lord, how faithful you are!  I say to myself, “The Lord is everything I will ever need. So I will put my hope in Him.” - Lamentations 3: 22-24

HOPE - it’s like oxygen…I do put my hope in Him and in the fact that no matter what is written on cold stone in a field in Iowa - my precious son is still very much alive, “warm and gentle” held safe in the arms of a loving Lord who has adopted him as His son.   I don’t have to say “good-bye” to him… I just have to wait until I can wrap my arms around him again - someday…

mommy-and-ian

click to view photo

ians-stone

click to view photo

September 7, 2010

Fresh Answers…”How Are you?” & “What are you doing these days?”

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 11:58 am

What a great weekend.  Thanks to all who loved on Tom this weekend and honored us both by helping us celebrate his birthday…very great!  What refreshing and renewing connections we have had this weekend including a wonderful, healing, authentic, grace-filled conversation last night with one of our mentors…I’m convinced that heaven will be like that all the time - can’t wait!

Many have asked the same question this weekend and I so appreciated their love and support I want to just answer this freshly,  “Deb, How are you?”

I’ll be entering a study this fall called “First Place for Health” - and part of my homework is to evaluate these areas of my life and to determine some goals for each area - the primary goal being to put Jesus first.  So I’m doing my “homework” :-)

Physically - I injured my lumbar spine in the final days of Ian’s life while helping with his care.  My L5 disc ruptured and has been causing pain in my low back and numbness in my feet for the past 18 + months.  Over the last couple of months I have received a series of 3 epidural steroid injections and they have provided partial & temporary relief, but I am currently looking at the possibility of having surgery late this fall to hopefully relieve the nerve problems and to fuse two of my lumbar vertebra together.  That would hopefully help long term regarding pain and allow me to start rebuilding the physical strength I have lost.  Hopefully too will allow for more activity and overall healthier lifestyle.  I’ll start a caring bridge site if surgery becomes a reality in order to keep people posted.

Spiritually - I have spent the past several months in solitude.  Solitude has at times been lonely, but mostly has been really great.  I’ve questioned and yelled at God & poured my heart out to Him.  He has been gracious to me, has wiped my tears and has renewed my hope.  Never have I spent such intense days with Him.   Through much private study, personal worship time, and extensive prayer times the Lord has been my faithful comforter & friend.  He is healing my aching broken heart one day at a time.  I took an excellent Beth Moore study called “Breaking Free” this summer that has walked well with my healing journey and this fall I think I will be taking another Beth Moore study called “Believing God” which will help me to grow in my trust of Him and in the truth of His word.

Emotionally - It’s sometimes hard for me to separate this area from the other areas because this seems to overlap all areas…my “emotions” aren’t overly reliable because my feelings change regularly and run the full spectrum.  My desire would be to release the negative emotions and embrace more joy, peace & hope.  I think that the continued healing journey in all areas will support that goal.

Mentally - This is where renewal and healing begin.  Much of my mental journey has been hard, honest evaluation of my past.  I don’t want to remain in the past, but it has made sense to me that it is necessary to take a good hard honest look at where I’ve been,  and the condition of what remains in order to rebuild.  Part of this evaluation has included many books (silent mentors), a wonderful Christian counselor and faithful mentors.  The day to day, minute to minute taking my negative thoughts prisoner and replacing them with positive thoughts will continue forever.

I’m looking forward to this fall and feel that even though there may be some challenging days ahead especially physically, I believe I am right where God wants me and that this is just one more step on the healing path He has me on.   My prayer is that I will emerge not only stronger, but deeper…

“What are you doing these days?”

I spend quiet, gentle days “healing”… a good deal of time reading & studying scripture and faith based books.  I also listen to podcast teachings of Christian leaders and recording artists.  I see my counselor once a week, go for walks and have lunches with friends.  Please connect with me if you would like to get on my calendar for lunch.  :-)

This fall we will continue to host our couples small group every other Friday night.  I will also be part of two ladies groups in the evenings Tuesdays & Thursdays.    I’ll be attending the Women of Faith conference and Tom and I have tickets for the Make a Difference tour in Oct. with  Michael W. Smith, Toby Mac, Third Day and Max Lucado - our friend Jason Gray will be opening for them - we’re very excited!

A note about Tom:  In addition to working full time,  Tom will be headed back to college this fall to finish his degree in Business Management - he’s a very busy guy!

Powered by WordPress