Deb’s Journey…

June 28, 2010

An “inside job” or a job for “the inside”

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 8:06 pm

I get so angry sometimes when others throw “shoulds”  at me…”you should do/be/feel…”  blah, blah, blah…it’s so condemning and shaming -it makes me feel like a screw up or that I’m stupid…

Little by little I’m starting to see that sometimes the offending projectiles aren’t actually coming from outside this fortress I’ve carefully constructed around my heart.  Indeed, more and more I’m discovering these attacks are an inside job!   Sometimes I just think that others are throwing “shoulds” at me….when in reality, I’ve taken over the job for them and the “shoulds” are coming from inside myself -  I have pretty accurate & truly wicked aim!   That sounds crazy doesn’t it?   I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes I’m my own worst critic and I can bring a lot of guilt and shame on myself because of what I am convinced I “should” do, be or feel…does that make sense?

I love it when God has a message for my heart and delivers His message through several different sources within a short period of time…the same message.  It’s like “Hey Deb, did you hear Me?  Did you get it?”

The message He’s been sharing with me recently is that

1.  He loves me and gives me grace.
2.  He wants me to open my heart and truly receive that love & grace.
3.  He wants me to learn to share that love & grace with others - starting with myself.

1,2,3…that should not be difficult for even my simple mind to grasp, so why is it?  Somehow I get myself convinced that God is really down on me…that He is just waiting for me to screw up so He can punish me.   I struggle with the lie that if I mess up He will hate me and I’ll be a complete disappointment to Him.

TRUTH is a person (John 14:6)  please Lord, would You speak to me in a way that I will truly hear You?…

“I left you with a Letter to have till we’re together, My heart poured out on each and every page.  I find the written word is better so I wrote you in a Letter all of the things that seem so hard to say and even harder for you to hear in the face of so much fear.  For I know you have been hurt before and may suppose I’m just one more charlatan who’ll take your love and run.  But open it and you will see that you can open up to Me and let the days of faithlessness be done.  I’d like to think it maybe quickened your breath when you read the part of how My love is stronger than death and I hope you keep it by your bed and read it every night and that it still awakens your desire and when the morning comes I hope you read it once again and like the sun it lights your room on fire.

I hope you’ll read it outloud  - the sound unseating every doubt as My love finds expression in your voice.  You would not deny Me then or ever doubt your worth again or ever wonder if you were My choice.  As My Word becomes flesh in your heart My love for you will burn within your deepest part and I hope you keep it by your bed and you read it every night writing every word upon your heart and when the morning comes I hope you read it once again to cherish in the time while we’re apart.

One day we will unite face to face and consummate the Letter in an embrace.  If you’re feeling lonely and the distance seems too much keep vigil with My promise till we’re close enough to touch.  For I wrote this Letter just for you instilling every word hoping that My meaning would come through.  I’d like to think you carry it everywhere you go and that sometimes you let it carry you.”  -   “The Letter” by Jason Gray

June 1, 2010


Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 9:55 am

Do you ever feel like it doesn’t matter what you say or how carefully you say it…you can’t MAKE someone understand your true meaning or motive?  I so long to be fully and completely understood.   I just feel like I’m doomed to be misunderstood and falsely/ harshly  judged… it’s really frustrating.  Usually it’s like I’m going along and haven’t talked to anyone for days and then I do have a brief conversation with someone and we have this amazing miscommunication and we both walk away shaking our heads…wishing we could just start the day over.

It just happened again…mostly I think I’m becoming a “necessary introvert” - it feels safer that way.

God made me to be “relational” and yet as soon as I open my mouth it’s a bloody mess…ugly, painful…odd that folks are so glamorizing vampires these days…those dreadful creatures feast on the blood of others…it happens all the time in this blood thirsty world… but there is nothing glamorous about it -  it’s just sick & wrong - in fact it’s evil.

Matthew 12:34
You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.

Galatians 5:15
If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

Sometimes I wonder if others are purposefully obtuse…I try to speak carefully, but the more I speak the worse the misunderstanding seems to get…so I retreat back into the safety of solitude until I just can’t take the quiet anymore then I venture back out and try again…Ahhhggggg! Frankly this world stinks!

I went to see Catherine this afternoon and she indicates the problem is with me…she indicates that I have not truly received the love the Lord has offered me and that I do not love myself or recognize my own needs and do not take care of myself well…she indicates that my current frustration stems from a long weekend of trying to give what I did not have and then being overly empty and angry at others when I should have recognized my need for proper sleep and nutrition and quiet and should have not tried to meet Irene’s want but should have instead trusted her to the Lord as He is capable of meeting her needs and she may have to live without her wants just as we all have to learn to live without many of our wants…she indicates that I need to learn to recognize my true needs and make sure those are met…she also indicates that I am believing the enemies lies about who I am and attributing those lies to other people which keeps them at arms length…

There is truth to what she says…I cannot seem to truly receive the love of the Lord and I’m not exactly sure why…I know I don’t deserve it…I know He offers it anyway…I know that no matter what I do or don’t do I’ll never deserve it…I know I can’t pay Him back…it’s not a fair transaction…I can’t seem to “get it”…I don’t understand it and I want to receive it, but I can’t seem to and I don’t know why…

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