Deb’s Journey…

May 25, 2010

“Fine”

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 12:31 pm

I just read a little article from a section in the Sunday paper called Parade.com/backpage  the author was talking about a conversation she had with the woman next to her on an airplane.

“I lost my husband last year,” she said softly.  “He died.  Last year.”  She recited the simple facts of an unthinkable horror…”Some days,” she said, “I still can’t believe this is happening.”  When her friends ask how she’s doing, “I tell them I’m fine,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.  “I know that’s what they need to hear.  They want it to be over.”  She looked down at her lap, smoothed the folds of her long skirt.  “I want it to be over too”, she said.  “It just doesn’t seem to work that way.”

She echoed my heart so clearly and somehow it felt good to read that and know I’m not alone in my feelings.  We survived the first year and yes, we celebrated that fact…but that doesn’t mean it’s over and that doesn’t mean we’re “fine”.  Sometimes I don’t share my aching heart and my unrealized dreams because there isn’t anything any human can do about it…though I’ll confess sometimes I wish more often that His grace would come through compassionate, listening ears…

Sunday was the two year mark of “D” day…Ian’s diagnosis…it feels like an eternity ago and just yesterday at the same time…the roller coaster ride of emotions makes me nauseous sometimes.

As if the calendar wanted us to remember the hard date, the car blew up on our way home from church.  Something went “pop” and smoke started to roll out from under the hood…thankfully we go to church with a great guy who works for an auto shop nearby and they were able to tow the car in and fix it.

We had received a notice on Friday from the IRS that “we figured our taxes wrong”…made my heart stop… but then I read on and discovered they were going to send us 3x the refund amount we thought we would receive -really?  The check arrived in the mail Monday afternoon and we put it in the bank on the way to pick up the car where we ended up paying  just slightly less than the extra amount God so generously provided - just in time.  He’s never late, but He has a habit of dramatically showing up at the moment we need Him - riding in to save the day with a great flourish.

Sometimes life really stinks and I focus my attention on the lousy stuff going on and then by the grace of God He provides a way so that we can stand up under it.   It doesn’t mean that the bad stuff won’t happen…which is frankly what I wish…it only means that God faithfully provides & protects when bad stuff does happen.

That message of His redemptive ways is so much easier for me to share than my heartaches over the areas of my life that are not yet redeemed…those places that are painfully unfair while we live life between the bookends must not remain my focus and yet I confess many days I don’t stand up under them…I fall on my knees and need Him to get back up.   Grief is a hard and lonely journey…one that my Lord knows very well… “Fine” is a very relative term…

May 20, 2010

Planting…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 2:55 pm

This morning I went to a lovely nursery with one of my dearest friends.  She has walked so faithfully with me through my personal “garden of Gethsemane”  and this morning she took me on an adventure to help me choose some new life for a little shade garden in my back yard.

Growing up there were lilacs & peonies in our yard-I loved them and always wanted to live in a home where there were lilacs & peonies this time of the year.  A little over a month ago a friend called to say she had two lilac bushes that she didn’t have room for she was wondering if I might like them.  I was blessed, though a little anxious as ‘ve never planted anything before.   Tom dug the holes and we followed her careful instructions and have enjoyed the most lovely lilacs this year…I’ve wept often at this beautiful provision.  How dear it is to have something new blooming after a long hard winter season.  This morning I bought 3 peony bushes to complete this dream - they have the promise of blooms on them already…how sweet to my heart.

For the shade garden out back  I found “ostrich” ferns (Tom loves ostriches), and “blue mouse ears” hostas (Ian loved mice) along with sweet smelling “lilies of the valley”.  Another sweet friend who has journeyed with me will be sharing some other hostas with us as well.  This “shade garden” will remind me of the valley that the Lord has brought us through and that there was gentle beauty even in those shady places.

May 10, 2010

I survived another Mother’s Day!

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 2:51 pm

Well, I survived another Mother’s Day…

When Tom turned 30 he decided to go skydiving.  He took an all day class then jumped out of an airplane at 13,000 feet…now he has “bragging rights”.  Oddly I feel a little like that somedays on this grief journey -  yet it isn’t any fun and it’s more like jumping without a parachute…

It’s kind of like when little kids have a band-aid and want to tell you about their boo-boos.  Somehow the more people who kiss their boo-boo the better they feel.  It’s  a little sick and self-serving…yet somehow it’s also somehow healing to share  “this happened to me and it really hurts and even though I lived through it, I still have scars - even if you can’t see them.”

We picked out Ian’s memorial on Friday - not exactly most moms choice for how to start their “Mother’s Day weekend”.    I’ve been dreading this final task, yet it had to be done…it’s just feels so wrong on so many levels.   I’m at peace with our choice even though it was a painful task no parent should have to endure.  I survived - that should count for something!  Somehow what doesn’t kill me is supposed to make me stronger right?  Maybe someday…other days I just want to curl up and nurse my wounds…

One day at a time…one knee in front of the other…slowly but slowly by the grace of God…pressing on…

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