Deb’s Journey…

March 31, 2010

I want more…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 5:59 am

Processing through my idealistic views of how life “should be” or even “could be”…the great potential that exists…the way that scriptures say we should live and treat one another. What wonderful possibilities…

I am deeply disappointed though that so many around me seem unaware of the discrepancies between how things are vs. how they could be.   Even if they are aware of the discrepancies they seem unwilling to try to bridge the gap- even in their own lives…unwilling to try to move closer to the ideal…sadly they don’t even appear to have a desire to…

I am very, very far from being a perfect individual…my heart has been crushed,  I’m broken and bruised.  God is always showing me areas where I need healing, my thoughts, motives and actions that don’t measure up because the line of perfection is sky high - yet, I do desire to move towards that line as fast as possible…I do desire to learn as much as I can and try to be all I can be…I do recognize that because of my belief in Christ I am no longer what I was, but that daily He is making me new and daily I want to throw off more of the old and keep becoming what He wants me to be…

The attitude of “It’s impossible so why should I try?” baffles me…I see this even among those who say they believe in the Lord…somehow they seem to have forgotten that with God all things are possible and that His goal in our lives is to conform us to the image of His Son.  God’s love is a “perfecting love”…which means at some point we will be “perfect” -that is the end goal- so we should keep moving toward it.  Does that mean that somehow in our own strength, striving and trying we can achieve it? – NO!- I recognize that…but it doesn’t mean we should apathetically roll over and give up either! We do absolutely have a choice that we must intentionally make all the time to yield to the process…lay down/surrender our agendas so that He can fill our empty/open hands with what He desires for us … His dreams and good plans for our lives…and then when He shows us, we must choose to step into that.

The fatalistic view of “I’ll try this thing” that I thought up hastily & haphazardly that lacks proper preparation and the fullness of God’s authorship & timing…the impatience of that and the unwillingness to seek God’s perfect will and wait for His timing but instead “I’m going to try this, oh but don’t worry, I don’t expect it to work anyway”)… that depth of defeat deeply saddens & perplexes yes- it angers me! Why spend energy & resources that direction?

I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I know the One who does…and walking through the hottest parts of the fire & deepest valley with Him has helped me to know that I don’t want to be even one step ahead of Him!  I want to walk exactly where He tells me and exactly when He tells me anything else is foolish at best, eternally disastrous at worst.

We’ve spent the last 18 months or so alone with God – just Tom & I (& my dear sweet mother for part of that road)…others walked near and prayed us through, but God has kept us so close to Him - kind of like “intensive care with the Great Physician”.

I’m deeply saddened by the broken, suffering, wounded hearts which are sometimes bitter and angry that are all around us…they do not know who they are or whose they are…they do not know where they are going and they wander aimlessly with downcast hearts…they feel hopeless & helpless yet they do not even acknowledge that.  They put on masks and claim they are “fine” and yet they are empty and just surviving.  That is not the abundant life that Christ desires for us and yet I do fully understand how it feels and how it happens - I have been there.  Yet I don’t understand why they choose to settle for it?  I wonder how I can help… I heard once “you can’t change what you won’t acknowledge”…sadly I cannot save, help or change them unless they recognize their condition & choose to change…even then, I don’t have the power to fix it - God’s power (not mine)  is made perfect in weakness, so I can’t fix it, but I could walk in encouragement while they go to the top floor to get treatments from the Great Physician…

I’m tired of death –  tired of just surviving!  I want to do more than just breathe out and breathe in – I want to LIVE ABUNDANTLY!   I want to know God’s purposes for my life…Jesus said He came that we may have life, and have it abundantly…He laid down His life for that reason…I want to take Him up on that offer…Jesus said He is the Way, the Truth and the Life…so I can find true life only in Him and in His will for me…I must lay down my ideas about what I thought life was…I must lose my life in order to find the life He has for me…  Jesus help me!

March 11, 2010

Hope Waits

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 8:18 pm

Today my inner life mirrored the weather…a thunderstorm violently erupted this morning and it hailed. Strong rain fell then seemed to exhaust itself as the day wore on. After such an outburst I desperately wanted the sun, yet the skies remained gray and it felt damp and cold. Yes the weather much too closely mirrored my heart today.

I’m in a transition time…life has, for better or for worse started over and in the midst of the fog I cannot see the next step…and so I have no choice but to wait…yet I’ll confess feeling cold and frightened…I opened an old devotional tonight and found this word…a good word for me right now. Thought I’d share it just in case any one else needs this word also…

HOPE WAITS…by Indeed Magazine

“My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning…” - Psalm 130:6

The soul has cries we often cannot hear. We meet people daily who are composed on the outside and wounded within. We too know how to put our game face on for the public when we’re in deep pain.

We don’t share our pain well because we’re afraid of what others will think of the real person inside, so the soul cries - quietly, pitifully, but deeply. But there is no hiding from God. He hears. He has ears of mercy that never let cries from the depths go unnoticed. It doesn’t matter how deep the depths are, God is close and His hearing is perfect. The soul is bare before Him.

Psalm 130 gives us the appropriate posture of a broken soul. There’s no pretense, no positioning just honesty. And when the soul is so bare, there is nothing left but waiting. We can’t pressure God because we have no leverage against Him. We can’t induce Him because we have nothing to offer. In the depths, broken souls have nothing but hope in the One who hears. And hope waits.

You’ve likely been in the depths, and you’ll likely be there again. Perhaps you are there now. Look for God like the watchman looks for the morning. The watchman knows the sun will rise; there is no question in his mind. He may not enjoy the dark of night, but he knows it will end. The night is never permanent and the daylight never fails to come. Likewise, your depths are not permanent and light will come. God will rise on your behalf at the appointed hour. Like the watchman you can wait for Him in certain hope.

You can pray your anguish with absolute certainty that He hears, He loves and the morning is coming soon” - Indeed Magazine.

Hosea 6:3

Let us acknowledge the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge Him.
As surely as the sun rises,
He will appear;
He will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.”

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