Deb’s Journey…

January 29, 2010

Prayer Request…

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I’m feeling very alone and pretty discouraged.  Perhaps others don’t understand me because I don’t exactly understand myself…

This past year has been bloody hell.  Without question the most painful year of my life.  The vast majority of this past year has been an internal journey…just me with God.  Sometimes just me…not because God went anywhere, but because I haven’t always embraced His presence…He has remained faithful even when I have not.  His attitude toward me has been open and loving…but I can’t say the same about my attitude toward Him…sometimes I’m incredibly hostile…sullen…whiny…closed…confused…angry…I eat junk food…spend entirely too much time on the computer…keep odd hours…it’s kind of  like being a teenager.  Tom has been patient…he understands better than anyone that grief is a solitary journey…we do our best to walk near one another and give each other grace…

Not sure when or sometimes if this season will end…or how it will end…or what the next season will look like…it’s just one day at a time…I used to be a planner…that’s not really possible now…can’t seem to think very far ahead.  I try to get involved in things and then I drop balls all over the place cause I can’t concentrate or stay focused…I fear I’m frustrating to others right now…

It’s strange and challenging to be with others.  I used to be fairly relational, yet over this past year that really hasn’t been overly possible for me.  Relationships take work…they require energy…they require the ability to not only receive, but to offer…yeah, I’ve been pretty unable to offer much to others this year.

I would desire not to injure others…to “do no harm”…yet I would also seek to protect my broken heart from further injury.

It’s a quandary…how to relate to others without hurting them or getting hurt in return…how to have the courage to love…

C.S. Lewis said “Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell”

Praying for the strength and energy to reach out and to be willing to allow others to enter…praying for the courage it will take to risk loving again…

January 19, 2010

Happy 1/2 birthday Buddy Bear!

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Today would have been Ian’s half birthday…8 1/2…when you have a summer birthday your 1/2 birthday is REALLY important because that’s when you celebrate with your school friends…

It’s hard not to think about last year…on Jan. 19th last year we had to take Ian to get his last MRI…then we went to Cossettas for lunch and to see the “Tale of Despereax” again…Ian LOVED brave little mice stories.  He had read the whole book by himself…it was a chapter book…not bad for a first grader!

Just one month later he flew Home to Jesus…he’s been with Jesus for 11 months today…

I had a dream about Ian last night that he snuggled up beside me and went to sleep…I just got to hold him and stoke his hair…my arms and heart have ACHED for that!!!  Somehow though when I woke up my arms were empty, but my heart was not quite so empty…God is gracious to give those moments to me…and I am grateful…but I still ache in missing my dear little boy.

My heart finds comfort only in the knowledge that Ian is perfectly whole and well  - loved beyond my abilities and safe forever…I don’t want him here on earth where he could be harmed and sick…no…but I LONG to be where he is and know the things he knows and see the things he sees, to go on great adventures with him…I could wish nothing greater for my son than for him to live at Home with my King.  My Lord sent His Son here…so that my son could go there…amazing love…

January 18, 2010

Jehovah Jirah - My Provider!

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Can I tell you an amazing story? I’m so excited I just have to share…
I opened my Saturday mail a few minutes ago and received a card from World Vision telling us that someone has amazingly donated a traditional well in Ian’s honor - the whole well! I’m blown away!

Somehow I kept sensing the need was bigger…for clean water…and then this thing with Haiti happened…yet in my own limited vision I thought oh, a well would be a great goal and I couldn’ t release that, so God said “fine - here, now can we move forward with MY plans?” I’m on my face today…God is at work…He provides and He moves…it’s AMAZING to watch His plans unfold…  check out Ian’s  fund raising page to see our new goal…

Plus it’s Jason Gray’s birthday today and he’s coming to our house one month from tomorrow to mark the year anniversary of Ian’s homegoing…Jason’s message is “Everything Sad is Coming Untrue” God is unfolding that all around us…it’s incredible to watch!

Because He lives,

January 13, 2010

Deb’s life 1993- Present “Readers Digest version”

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January 1st, 2010  I joined Facebook.   Lots of re-connecting with folks I haven’t seen in 17+ years…it’s odd…yet good.  Early interactions always read like a resume…it’s hard to re-cap that many years into a few sentences…but here goes…

My husband Tom & I met “online” in Feb 1993 while at separate colleges - before it was popular…before there was even a world wide web…we met while “chatting” on a bulletin board system out of the University of Iowa called ISCA…We both moved to MN that summer.  We met in person at the MN Zoo in June…were engaged summer 1994 and married in May 1995.  I worked odd jobs mostly in the area of administration/bookkeeping.  Tom is a computer programmer and a bass player…

In April 2000 we miscarried at 13 weeks - our midwife said “twins”… In July 2001 God gave us a son,  we named him -  Ian Thomas.   The name “Ian” means God is gracious.  I had the joy of staying home with him.  Ian was all boy - loved all rodents, trains, trucks, building things with Legos, running, climbing, and had a wonderful imagination.  When Ian turned 3 he needed more peer interaction and so did I,  so I went to work a couple days a week at our church… helping with the small group ministries - something that has become a passion of mine.

On what would have been Ian’s Kindergarten graduation day he was diagnosed with a brain tumor in May 2008.  He battled bravely with “courage & kindness“.  He came to know & love Jesus that summer - was baptized that November and went to live forever with Jesus in February 2009 - he lived 7 perfect years + 7  months.  We are comforted to know he’s safe always, whole & well - indeed “God IS gracious!”  You can read more about Ian on:  Ian’s Caring Bridge Site

Tom and I have surrendered our hearts to the Lord in this…we’ve together and separately had to lay down our dreams for what we thought our life would look like…we’re not really sure where we’ll  go from here, only that we’ll go together…we’ve discovered that we’re not “masters  of our own fates” and we don’t want to be “captains of our own souls”…we’ve discovered that God alone knows what tomorrow holds…that nothing takes Him by surprise and we’re thankful that He promises never to leave us as we move forward…

One way we’re moving forward is by honoring our son’s life values of  “courage and kindness”.  To mark the one year anniversary of Ian’s homegoing we are raising money through World Vision to build a well in a community that doesn’t currently have access to clean water.  To learn more click here.  We’re also hosting a house concert that night and Jason Gray will be coming to our home.  His music has ministered deeply to us this year and we’re so honored he is willing and available to come.

Beyond that…I haven’t a c l u e…more and more I’m learning to live one day at a time…

January 6, 2010

My prayer for 2010…

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I woke with this song in my head and want it to be the cry of my heart this year.

“Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Search me and try me, Master, today!
Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now,
As in Thy presence humbly I bow.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me, I pray!
Power, all power, surely is Thine!
Touch me and heal me, Savior divine.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Hold o’er my being absolute sway!
Fill with Thy Spirit ’till all shall see
Christ only, always, living in me.”

~Stebbins/ Pollard

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