Who Has Whom (Tom, Graces and Mercies)

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

When I was in college, I had opportunity to go rappelling a few times. The first time, I was...a little apprehensive. The first time I went down the side of a cliff, I took little hops, clinging to the rope for dear life. I'm sure the others at the top of the cliff were getting impatient, waiting for me to slowly make my way to the ground.

The man who was holding my rope on the ground, wanted me to know how safe I truly was, despite what my senses were telling me. At one point, he pulled the rope until it was taught. Because of the mechanics involved, I was suddenly unable to continue my descent.

"Tom," he called out, "I want you to let go of the rope."

The best I could give him at that point was a nervous chuckle. I am suspended on the side of a cliff, approximately 150 feet above the ground. This guy wants me to let go of the one thing that is keeping me from becoming one with the dirt below.

"Tom, I'm not going to let you go any further until you let go of the rope."

I wasn't in the strongest of negotiating positions. I slowly released my grip, but kept my hands close to the rope so that I could grab it quickly when I would surely start plummeting.

"Now I want to see your hands."

Once again, a quick review of my options brought me to the same conclusion as before. I stretched my hands out to my sides, but kept my elbows close to my body. However, it was beginning to dawn on my that my fears were unfounded.

"Stretch your arms out."

I stretched my arms all the way out, and began to revel in freedom I was feeling.

"Now lean back."

I relaxed in my newfound safety, and the resulting freedom. As soon as I was on the ground, I couldn't wait for my next turn to go down. When that opportunity came, I jumped as far away from the rock wall as I could, to see how far I could descend with each hop.

In a similar way, I'm learning how to relax in God's grace. For the past few weeks, I have been very focused on entertainment. It's been much easier to be Gordon Freeman than to be Tom Henderson. It's been more enjoyable to think about wererabbits. And yet, I feel the need (and, to some extent, the desire) to spend time with my Lord. I know that this isn't a matter of salvation; that has been secured once and for all. This is more of a matter of my relationship with God. I know from personal experience and from scripture that I must cling to Him tightly for spiritual and emotional protection. But, I'm having trouble wanting to. The best I can muster at this point is that I want to want to be with him.

Does it have something to do with some unresolved anger? Possibly. Is it a character flaw? If so, add it to the pile. But one thing I am coming to know more fully: He understands, much more than I will ever know. While I am now becoming suspicious that there is a turmoil in my heart that I can only barely feel, God sees it clearly and in His wisdom knows exactly how to lead me through it. I trust that in the years to come, I will learn to put words to what has happened. In the meantime, I take comfort in the fact the He holds me tighter than I can ever hold him. He knows my heart, and He loves me anyway. He isn't letting me go anywhere.

And that is a good thing. Because I'm also becoming suspicious that it will take us much longer to heal from the events of the last year than I ever expected.